Modern Survivor

I just took a free CPR/First Aid class here at work and I’d highly recommend everybody take one, especially since I can’t CPR myself…

I learned that CPR is a fun way to get to know coworkers, neighbors and random strangers in the mall. In the crucial few minutes before emergency personnel are available you’ll have the opportunity to breathe for them, rip off their clothes, pump their chest, roll them over to vomit and maybe even electrocute them. Also you’ll get to practice these amazing skills every few years on a fairly hot mannequin.

Please note that before attempting the heimlich on a child you should tell his mommy what you’re doing, and before you try to help that guy in the bar you should make sure everyone knows whats going on (we don’t take kindly to your type in these here parts, boy).

To Summarize:

1. Tell an innocent bystander to call 911.
2. Open the victims airway by tilting head back.
3. Check for breathing.
4. Give two short breaths, watch chest to make sure it moves.
5. Rip open shirt, place the top of your palm about on a nipple, the bottom of your palm on the sternum.
6. For every two breaths give thirty chest pumps.
7. Rinse and repeat. Be prepared to quickly roll victim over to dodge the vomit.

Other Notes:

• If you plan on helping random people you should get vaccines like Hep A and B.
• The rescuer is more important than the victim.
• Old peoples chests will make nasty crackle-pop sounds when you do CPR on them, this is normal.
• Choking alone? Call 911, leave phone, open front door, stand against wall, try to Heimlich yourself.
• Have local 911 emergency numbers in your cell phone.